I’ve been here before. The bottom. We all have. Fresh tears will pour out, pain will ache through my chest. something I can’t control. Perhaps it’s just about time to take the plunge, there’s ups and there’s downs. I’ve gotta take the plunge now. it’s time.

i’ve never been so weary before. i’ve never fought so hard before. i’ve never fought so long before. when i give it my all, why is nothing coming from all this? what am i fighting for? maybe i’m just impatient. but there’s not much time left. they keep saying i can’t face pressures but i have never felt this much pressure before. i’ve wasted too long. i’ve been fighting with all i’ve got, i’ve been fighting hard; but some have fought harder. i’ve been fighting for so long; but some have fought longer. this is so selfish of me.

i’m probably not fighting hard enough or trying hard enough. right? is that it? i need to fight even harder? my best isnt good enough i know. i’ve never got enough. it’s never enough to get anywhere. from the smallest things to the bigger things, i’m never good enough. i’m tired of being mediocre. im tired of being a failure. i keep praying that i wake up and i’ll be different. I’ll wake up with a beautiful voice. I’ll wake up and have a huge expansive vocabulary. I’ll wake up and be naturally talented at finding notes, chords and weaving powerful music. I’ll wake up and be able to dance.

i’m so tired and weary of this all. but there’s nothing else i can do. if it’s not this, then what will I do? this is all i know. this is all i can do. it is the only thing that resonates in my soul, in my heart, in my mind, in my spirit, in my body. i’m not good enough but it’s all i’ve got. if i end up poor and starving, if i end up laughed at by the world, this is still all i can do, you know.

i don’t have a choice. no matter what i do, it’s not enough. but i don’t have a choice. next to the amazing people of the world, i am nothing but a speck of dust. I don’t shine as bright as the others.

will i always be watching from the side? when will i stand on the same stage? when will i live in the same world as you? how much longer will i have to wait? when will the same lights shine upon us? when will we sing the same melodies? how will i get where you are?

my dreams are futile it seems. people can laugh at my naivety and tell me to stop wasting time. but this is the only thing i can hold on to. my entire life has been this. it has been made of art, music, literature. i should count my blessings, i should focus on what i can do right now, the things i already have, the little successes i already have. yes i should. but it doesn’t mean i will improve, it doesn’t mean i will get up to where i want to be if i look at what i have.

i know i suck. i know i’m not as good as the others. i know i’m not a natural adept at it. i can’t even create the things i want to create. the things i envision, never turn out as good as it should be. the things i imagine, never hold the same magic as it does in my dreams.

what can i do? what should i do? i ask myself. because anything others say only seem like a lie, optimistic words of assurance or said out of pity. the only thing that can show me is when i am on the path towards the light. a path that is clear. narrow or difficult, it doesn’t matter, as long as i’m on the path, i will move on forward. but right now… there’s nothing here

i can’t give up. but i don’t seem to move forward either.