Tonight I ended up pretty depressed. Let’s just talk about the entire day. Excuse my poor english bc i’m extremely tired right now and sorry for the whining.

I finally returned to school for  club events and executive meeting. It was a load of fun. We had a beautiful large room with couches, nice wooden walls and surfaces, sound system and the best of all, a grand piano. We had a fun time dancing, grooving, fooling around, having lots of laughs and snacks. Natural instinct to move my body lol i need to start pulling off those kpop dance moves some time. But best of all, a few friends and I were jamming on the piano and guitar. Played/performed my song a bit, and it was really cool when we started writing random piano instrumental songs for our club “themes” . The guy is genius, the stuff he plays was so professional and sounded like game theme music.

So it was like… character themes for every person that best reflected their personality – you can imagine how funny or fun it was, especially when we played it while they walked in. hahaha completely fit so well. Then there was background music for almost any event or happening with our group of friends. Nice happy-go-lucky fun music for every day life, then we cut in to battle theme music for when people “spar”/play fight XD, there’s like sneaky troll music when we play pranks, and other random clippings (i.e. when waiting for food to cook in the microwave LOL or hopping on board a subway or victory song when we finally find something we were looking for) hahaha it was so sick. We’re thinking of recording all this, perhaps making a few anthem like songs with lyrics that we can all sing and sell it as an OST album for fundraising. Maybe we could even make an end of the year DVD featuring this music as background music for different scenes we would catch on video. haha we laughed our heads off.

It started getting depressing though, because I realized I wasn’t that great when compared to genius level music skills. lol and I don’t think he had learned piano for long. Just that people are blessed with talent. Though I’m happy with my own blessings as well.

On another note, I feel sorry that I seem to always drop out of extra late night or weekend hang outs with friends. I go straight home most of the time. Seems like I always retreat to myself. Especially with lots of couples around, it gets pretty depressing. Somehow i’m just more comfortable by myself. Whether it’s because i’m anti-social and prefer my own space or that i really do have a lot to do and accomplish i don’t know. I feel like i’m making excuses for myself sometimes. I used to be a lot more “social” and had “a life” since life just expected it. high school was much more active for me. But now that I have a choice I tend to keep to myself. Yet, ironically, I’m gaining more confidence in myself and my abilities and so forth by being alone. Despite all the talent and calling stuff, loneliness is still at the back of my mind. Will it change? I don’t know. My priorities seem to be set upon doing what I’m called to do.

Later tonight, on the way home though my friend sat with me and we were talking about our business ideas. His is so much more plausible and do-able. In fact it is real simple. It doesn’t involve a lot of work other than producing the product. On the other hand, looking back at the visions, plans and things I must accomplish it’s crazy. I need to be working as an artist (writing and later on going through publication process, producing songs, drawing and designing visual projects for novel, networking and promoting as an independent artist/author thing, communicating with fans on personal levels); working as Textnovel team member (pretty much managing everything, recruiting/coordinating, promotions/marketing, social networking, connecting with external contacts like authors and other companies later perhaps investors, guiding+designing+hands on work+planning for site development, leading the community, coming up with new ideas and encouraging activity, blah blah blah there’s so much more); leading the cell phone novel movement (planning and envisioning what we can do, writing up the mass proposal, building site, later on setting up nonprofit organization/network, connecting with industry, authors, etc, organizing street teams and starting off small projects, contacting media, education system, libraries, book stores, schools etc etc) … and there’s a lot i left out. And there’s no one to help. No resources, no trustworthy help, etc. I’m alone. gah can’t think straight.

Like… why me? Why do i have to have these ideas and need to do all this stuff? Why isn’t there anyone to share some of this load? Why am I alone? Why don’t I have people close to me who will stand by my side, encourage me, mentor me, share some burden, help with whatever they can?

Is life as a writer, as an artist, as a musician supposed to be this difficult and this lonely?

Why can I not be normal?

Either that or why can I not have opportunities open to me?