Burning Out.. Fighting On..

Very stressed out…Theres just so much on the plate for me. Everything feels so impossible. Either its hitting brick walls or taking a stroll through a swamp — going slowly or not going at all. Not sure how to keep things moving or to link with someone, somewhere that will help it see an explosive growth.

Sometimes i wonder what i’m doing this for. Why i’m trying so hard. I have a lack of sleep, not eating well, stressed beyond measure, so weary and tired of fighting like this. Why don’t I just mind my own business? I could be working on Secondhand Memories, I could be pushing forward the cell phone novel movement, working on stuff i have to do for Textnovel and doing all those other things on my plate which in itself are huge visions that has its huge amount of stress already.

I prayed desperately last night on the bus. Thankfully, no one saw my tears of frustration. What I prayed for was that the heart of mine would not be corrupt and would not be snuffed out by the world. By the lack of response, by the discouragement, by the brick walls we hit.

I realize that there was no one I could sit around and do nothing. I can’t pretend nothing happened. I can’t pretend all I can do is to donate money and leave everything up to someone else. As artists, as people with talent, we have a message to give. We have a voice and we have the power of words, the power of music, the power of art. We need to do something.

There’s no way I can give all this up. So I must fight on.

I’m weary. I’m tired. But I pray that God will sustain me.

Perhaps I’m just too impatient. It’s only been a week after all. But a week is a long time. It’s a long time for the people in Japan. Imagine everyday, facing impending doom and fear. How every hour would feel. When there is a scheduled black out, how time will pass then. When there is no food, or no warmth, what would that feel? A week for us may seem like nothing. But a week for them, every hour is a battle.

That’s how I feel too. Every one of my hours is a battle and I’m being burnt out, stressed beyond relief. Maybe in a way, i’m experiencing what they are to some degree. Perhaps fighting hard like this connects me with them even more.

Japan has always been the core of my being.
Every fibre, every breath, connected to Japan.

That is just how I grew up too. Many of us here and all over the world have grown up on Japanese culture and influences. Without Japanese music I would not be where i am today. It has given me inspiration and strength when I was down or discouraged; it has transported me to new worlds and given me images, sceneries, stories; it has evoked powerful feelings in me, made me cry, made me smile; it has made life meaningful, every moment becoming full of life, becoming beautiful, spring, summer, fall, winter, anywhere, everywhere; it has given me dreams and aspirations to create music, to create literature, to create art. It was japanese music that first showed me that kind of magic.

It was from music, it was from entertainment where I drew strength from Japanese heritage, Japanese culture and spirit.
Indeed if we remember japanese tv shows, dramas, manga, anime, many many stories that stem from Japanese creativity, they all reveal the kind of pure heart Japan has. My trips to Japan showed the same things. Every intricate street jam packed with excitement, every train station that emerges into a whole new world, different from the next station, every nook and cranny and every person, so unique and full of creativity and life. I met so many amazing people in Japan. Everywhere I went I was welcomed with open arms. Despite its struggles and many who are struggling in their lives, there is that pure heart of genuine love, strength, friendship, courage that we can find still. The heart that will never give up no matter what kind of struggles we go through. It was from that where I learned to be strong. It was all those messages embedded in Japanese culture that gave me the foundation I stand upon today. My life mottos, my life values, my beliefs.

To have Japan devastated is like taking away a part of my heart.

I’m really not in a very good state of mind to keep up these long rants, so keep updated via my twitter most of the time. I’m not really tweeting a lot either. It’s just been super busy and super stressful.

Please pray for me and the people of Japan. Pray that i don’t lose my sanity.

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